Following the Rules

Recently a woman posted a video online of her son Caleb who has Autism at his school play. The video is brief and shows a teacher taking the microphone away (seemingly) before Caleb has the chance to speak. Caleb shouts "Oh No" and cries briefly before the video is cut off.

Having been in his shoes I understand how exciting it is to be in front of others but at the same time I felt there was something missing. Turns out from other reports the mother didn't sign a permission slip for him to be in play nor did she take him to rehearsals.

Regardless of what happened I wanted to see the whole thing and decide for myself what was "fair."

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eCrzfrmMFn4

That is the full 12 minute play. 

In the video I saw each child having one turn up at the microphone, patiently waiting their turn, and adhering to the rules of the play. 

High functioning children on the spectrum usually are very strict rule followers, the like routine and consistency. I did not see this in Caleb at all, what I saw is a child who probably does not have strict rules at home and is allowed to get away with stuff because he is on the spectrum. 

I know and have seen first hand that children on the spectrum can follow the rules when firm limits and boundaries are set. These children are the ultimate rule testers and will push to see how much they can get away with until they have full reign. 

It is OKAY to set limits, children (all children, not just ASD kids) crave rules and limits. It teaches them safety skills, social skills, and many others as well. 

I did not realize this until the final weeks of my internship and my group sessions went a lot better once I had rules in place and adhered to those rules. 

Do not be afraid to say "no" (but preferably in a different wording) to your child. They need to hear that. 

Tell your child what they can do, but don't tell them if it is not adhering to the rules in place. 

Follow the rules and you will be successful. 

To Stim or Not to Stim that is the Question

If you live in the United States and are reading this you may have heard that the Chicago Cubs won the World Series last night after a 108 year draught of losing or coming really really close.

 My father once told me that if you really want to be able to talk to other people then you need to watch sports, even if you don't like to. Sports are a commonality that can bring people together to have a conversation- "Hey, I'm Alex. Did you catch the game last night? Can you believe so and so threw the first pitch?! What did you think? Who do you root for?"

I never was very big into baseball until this year. I would prefer to play a sport than watch, but this year was different. Besides my godmother being a huge fan of the Cubs and imparting that on me the last guy that I dated was a Cubs fan so I watched the games to have something to talk to him about. In May I got to go watch the Cubs play the Phillies in the Friendly Confines for the very first time. That experience kicked my obsession with Cubs baseball into high gear, and if you know anything about Spectrum Obsessions you know this burns with the passion of a thousand suns.

This brings me to the point of this blog- stimming. Stimming, a word which here means, a repetition of  movement, sounds, or movement of objects common in individuals with developmental disabilities, but most prevalent in individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Essentially, stimming is a form of self regulation, not just for ASD individuals but for everyone. We ALL stim it even if we don't realize that we do. In sports it is seen in many different ways and you can usually catch the most obvious individuals being filmed on the jumbo screen. I realized that my stim behaviors have increased the more I watch sports. 

As I mentioned before when an individual stims they are doing it for a reason, trying to get sensory input in or release energy they have to create homeostasis. Last night in the world series game you saw people shaking their hands, clenching their fists, holding their faces, jumping up and down, screaming, and many other things. If you don't watch sports you could see it in the community, schools, or at work. The leg jiggler, the pencil tapper, the hair twirler, the person who always needs to chew on a piece of gum. Those behaviors help people focus on a task or release excess energy. 

I realized that when I am excited I do my "Happy Aspie Dance," basically I jump from one leg to another (if I'm standing) and do something with my hands. I've never done this before because pretty much every team that I ever followed consistently (high school football, Emporia athletics, KU Football-before I was into KU basketball) lost all the time and I was too busy playing my piccolo to care deeply. When I do this it is my way of showing people that I am really excited about something without having to talk about it and get all the excited energy out. It helps me calm down because excitement is such a powerful emotion and energy. When I'm nervous I need to pace or squeeze things and get proprioceptive input, much like Temple Grandin's hugging machine. 

These behaviors are not bad things, its part of who I am and it can be contagious if you get past the fact that I'm a 26 year old doing odd movements when I'm excited or nervous. 

If you or your child has stimming behaviors and it is not interfering with their ability to complete a task don't try to stop it. It is their way of creating homeostasis in their brain so they can function. So while this is my opinion and you will probably do whatever you want to in the debate of To Stim or Not to Stim that is my answer. Be who you are and don't let others judge you for trying to show your emotions. 

Congratulations to my Cubbies on a very well played season, you deserve to Fly the W! I hope to see you in the spring for more baseball action. Also it is my dream to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley field with my guitar to advocate for music therapy and Autism Spectrum Disorders...so if you're reading this and you have connections let me know :) 

Also check out this sweet Eddie Vedder music video of All The Way 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQWbKqFVoeQ

Just a Note-Patience, Empathy, Understanding

I typically avoid commenting on anything terribly controversial as I believe that the way people learn is by listening to both sides of the story and not being quick to judge, however with recent events in our country I must speak out.

If you haven't heard, a police officer in Miami recently shot at a man with Autism outside of the group home he lived at. As I have just began my career as a music therapist and have an Autism Spectrum Disorder myself I feel that America has become overly judgmental and it needs to stop.

In a world where we are surrounded by technology and are able to get everything now we as a society need to remember one of life's great virtues. That virtue being patience.

This ties into empathy and being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes. I feel that being on the spectrum gives me an extra dose of empathy because it took literally years before I discovered it and was able to connect to others. With this I also learned patience and I hope that when people took the time to be my friend and learn about me they learned patience as well.

Take the time to learn what someone is feeling, listen to their story or why they are feeling that way, and ask if you can do anything to help that person. This is the foundations of empathy and being able to develop a positive relationship with someone successfully.

After seeing all the stories in the news I think the tying factor between all of them is being too quick to assume that something bad is happening and acting before asking. When you act before you ask you make mistakes. It is impulse control, cause and effect, whatever you may want to label it.

Even if you don't agree with someone that doesn't mean you can not be their friend or kind toward them. Being different is what makes life interesting. Learning about what others care about and taking interest in them makes relationships last. Taking time to talk and connect shows others you care.

As an individual who is very observant and reluctant to interact frequently I am going to take my move to a new city and a new job as an opportunity to show people that communicating in person and learning about each other is not a bad or scary thing. Be kind to one another.

Using Music With Emotions- Another Inside Out Intervention

If I haven't said this before I LOVE Pixar's Inside Out movie. I think it is a brilliant way to approach emotional expression and recognition with all individuals, especially children.

Frequently individuals with ASD have a hard time recognizing not only the emotions of others but of themselves as well. This can be very frustrating and could lead to behaviors because they are feeling something but do not know what it is or how to express it.

My younger brother has been dancing ballet since he was six years old. Despite some of the familiar music, I hated being drug to his performances. My mom asked me why I didn't like it and I told her, "There aren't any words, why can't there be words." Her explanation was that ballet didn't have words. In retrospect I realize that I did not like going because despite the obvious emotional changes in the music, I didn't understand that the dancers were communicating through their body language and facial expressions.

I recently came across an Inside Out board game of emotions and adapted it to use in music therapy sessions. Thus far, all of the clients have loved playing it to learn about the different emotions and has also helped teach good sportsmanship.

The game itself is very similar to "Candy Land" but with some twists. You can download the templates below.

Board Game & Cards

I created my own rules (see below) to adapt for music therapy, however you can play it however you want to. To create "wild cards" I used the PDF reader  on my mac (preview), created white squares to go over the original pictures on the cards and typed "Move to closest wild spot" on the white squares. I printed one sheet of "wild cards" in addition to the suggested amount to print out.

I do recommend printing on card stock if you have it available otherwise you will be able to see through. If you do not have card stock (like myself), you can glue an additional piece of paper on the back of the cards before cutting out and laminating.

Adapted Rules, Game Pieces, and Emotion Cards (PDF file)
Adapted Rules, Game Pieces, and Emotion Cards (Microsoft Word)

My rules are quite similar to the original with only a few modifications, I added a black spot and a "wild spot" (gray square) to help address multiple areas of emotion recognition and expression. You could also change I colored the cards to correspond with the colors on the game board and made two "wild" emotion cards. For the wild emotion cards, I used all the colors I had used for the other cards combined.

In the rules I created I have the next player guess what emotion is being displayed before receiving a turn. However, I have found the groups I've used this with will all guess out loud. If they are unable to guess the emotion, have the person displaying the emotion provide a hint (I usually have them say what the first letter of the word is). Additionally, you do not have to use an instrument for the client to portray the emotion, it could be an excellent way to facilitate reading non-verbal communication and body language.

 

Yellow Emotions- Happy, Energetic, Excited 

Purple Emotions- Nervous, Upset, Scared

Red Emotions- Frustrated, Angry, Mad

Blue Emotions- Lonely, Sad, Tired

Pink Emotions- Silly, Goofy, Funny

Green Emotions- Disgusted, Jealous, Sick

For the wild emotion card, I created a playlist of instrumental music so lyrics would not interfere with the groups interpretation of the emotion. You can create the playlist through any song playing system, but I used Apple Music. I will insert a shameless plug for Apple Music as I have used it frequently in my practice. If you do not like the playlist I have created you can by all means create your own, these were the pieces I felt were quite obvious to figure out as well as my interpretations of what a potential emotion a person could experience while listening to it.

My Playlist for Emotions

-The Typewriter, Leroy Anderson (happy, energetic)

-Bugler's Holiday, United States Air Force Band (happy, energetic)

-Shark Attack, John Williams (scared)

-Adagio for Strings, Samuel Barber (sad)

-Ride of the Valkyries, Richard Wagner (scared) 

-Nocturne No. 2 in E-Flat Major, Op. 9, Frederic Chopin (calm, sad)

-Carmina Burana: O Fortuna, Carl Orff (scared, mad)

-The Planets, Op. 32: Jupiter, The Bringer of Jollity, Gustav Holst (excited, happy)

-Hungarian Dance No. 5 in G minor, Johannes Brahms (excited, scared, anxious)

-Swan Lake Suite, Op. 20: Scéne, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (sad, scared, tired)

-Overture to Candide, Leonard Bernstein (excited, happy)

-Surprise Symphony, Franz Joseph Haydn (calm, surprised)

-Prelude 7, Op. 28, Frederic Chopin (calm, tired)

-Toccata and Fugue in D minor, BWV 565, Johann Sebastian Bach (scared, nervous)

-The Batman Theme, Danny Elfman (scared, brave, tired)

-Vespertilio, Hans Zimmer (scared, tired)

-E.T. Flying Theme, John Williams (happy, excited, energetic)

-Piano Sonata No. 11 in A, 1.Tema (Andante Grazioso), Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (calm, sad, happy, tired)

-Piano Sonata No. 11. in A, Rondo: Alla Turca, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (energetic, happy, sad, calm)

-Main Title from Game of Thrones, Ramin Djawadi (brave, scared)

-Part 1 (Adoration of the Earth): II. The Augurs of Spring/Dances of the Young Girls, Igor Stravinsky (scared, energetic)

-Gymnopédie No. 1, Erik Satie (calm, sad, tired)

-Le Carnaval Des Animaux: Aquarium, Camille Saint-Saëns (calm, happy, relaxed, sad, tired)

-The Moldau, Bedrich Smetana (calm, dizzy, sad)

-Thunder and Blazes, Julius Fucik, (happy, excited, silly)

-March Op. 99, Sergei Prokofiev (happy, excited)

-The Stars and Stripes Forever, John Phillip Sousa (brave, excited, happy, patriotic)

-Colonel Bogey, Kenneth J. Alford (happy)

-Country Gardens, Percy Aldridge Grainger (happy, calm)

Have fun! I'd love to hear if you try it in the comments! 

"Where words fail, music speaks."-Hans Christian Anderson 

Rock Brain vs. Flexibrain- Dealing with the Unknown and "Rolling with the Punches"

One of the defining characteristics of an individual with an ASD is their ability to flourish in a structured and predictable setting. This could be considered their biggest strength as well as a major weakness. Individuals with ASD appreciate routine and knowing what to expect next. Speaking from experience, not knowing what will or may happen may cause anxiety that interferes with social skills that may have been developed with years of therapy.

I know that for me, the social skills groups I went to focused on what I could say in conversation, conversation starters, keeping a conversation going, and creating scenarios to practice in. I am also an avid fan of playing the Sims and think that it helped me practice those skills, albeit with a computer, when I was not at school or in a social environment. As I've aged, I will still go over and over different ways things may play out depending on what I say, how another person responds, or what the environment will be like.

Neurotypicals may have some of that playing in their heads or a little anxiety about the unknown as well but I believe that for the ASD individual it can be intensified to a whole different level. In order for anyone to feel safe there must be trust. Trust of others and the environment itself. Spiritual individuals sometimes trust that a higher being is in control and everything will end positively if they believe. For a concrete and logical thinker on the spectrum this could be very challenging to picture.

There are two types of ways for anyone to react to the unpredictable. You can have a "rock brain" towards a situation where you want to be in control regardless of how others are feeling about it or you can have a "flexibrain." Flexibrain is, simply put, being okay with others thoughts and ideas and working together to get a job done.

While those examples are more towards social interactions and group work, the same can be applied to any situation. If your routine is off because your friend couldn't come over, the cafeteria changed taco Tuesday to Thursday, or you're running late because of traffic. It is important to help your child/client/self to think "is this a big deal or a little deal."

Most of the time, it is a little deal and we just make it into a big deal by over analyzing all the potential outcomes, most of which (at least for me) end up with someone being mad at me or getting me into trouble. I work really hard to help myself and the individuals I work with plan with a positive outlook towards an outcome. It is helpful for us to predict what will happen, however it should not be getting in the way of social interactions.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/201403/using-structure-help-autistic-kids-build-flexibility

An activity you can try is to have different squishy fidgets (like water balls, putty, etc.) and some harder items or rocks. Identify which item is more enjoyable to play with. What item would hurt the most if someone threw it? What can you do to be more flexible like the fidgets?

Aspergers and Love

I apologize in advance for the lack of music therapy in this post. I also want to share my most recent idea regarding a potential Youtube vlog series. I LOVE TO COOK & BAKE THINGS. Its like chemistry but you can eat it and if all goes well it will not blow up. My supervisor recently told me I should do a series on the recipes that I come up with to help parents and their children develop meal plans and such. Cooking is a highly sensory experience and I feel that many children on the spectrum may be more inclined to eat things when they put the effort into making it.

Now that the announcement is out of the way, I shall move onto my point. 

November of 2014 my friend was doing her internship across the country and came back for homecoming to surprise everyone. I was ecstatic and cried. I was also in the midst of applying for internships myself and trying to find love on those online dating sites. I expressed to her my frustration in those sites, not that they don't work but I had no luck, and she was telling me about her distant cousin who lived in Chicago. She showed me his Facebook picture. He was standing next to the Stanley cup, he had a beard and I was totally smitten. I "obsessed" over the idea of being with him for a while and eventually let it go a bit as I got more 'hits' on the dating sites. However the idea never left my head completely. 

She mentioned it again in August of 2015 after this guy I had been talking to from yet another dating site turned out to be a real jerk. I would ask her to talk to him for me periodically and she would say she would but never really did sort of thing. She went to visit him in Chicago in January and I told her again to talk to him for me. She told me that he had just had a date on New Years Eve and I was crushed. The week of January 29th, I ask my friend again to talk to him for me so she did and I get a message from him. 

That brings me to today. I have never been more happy with any relationship I have had in the past. However I am always trying to keep myself in check because being in a relationship when you have Aspergers can be really challenging for both parties. The individual with Aspergers may need a lot of reassurance because they have a hard time reading their partner. They may be completely oblivious to something they have done wrong and won't know how to fix it until their partner points it out to them or tell them directly. 

A relationship with an individual with Aspergers can also be immensely rewarding for the NT partner. An individual with Aspergers can be tremendously loyal to their partner and their family. They may call things as they see which is exactly what the other needs at the time. They may push themselves outside their comfort zone because they want to be with that individual. 

Being in love when you are on the spectrum can be one of the most confusing things. However it is also greatly rewarding and I for one am very glad that I have the opportunity to be with someone who is understanding and supportive of myself as a person on the spectrum. 

I should also mention that if you are currently in a relationship with an individual on the spectrum or you are considering starting a relationship go for it. Part of life is taking risks and having new experiences. You could learn so much about yourself in addition to the individual when you take the time to get to know someone and hear what they have to say. 

Inside Out- An Emotion Recognition & Processing Intervention

Thus far my blog has only had posts on my perspective on the spectrum or my "Perspectrum" if you will. Today is the day where you will hear about a music therapy interventions that I've developed to help kids figure out how they are feeling, what happened to make them feel that way, and what are some things that is in their control that they can do to fix the problem.

Emotions can be a really hard stimulus to deal with because it is your reaction to something that happens to you. When you can not figure out how to verbalize exactly how you feel because you do not know what you're feeling, it can be very overwhelming to anyone.

This intervention was inspired by Disney Pixar's movie Inside Out, which was released in summer of 2015. If you have not seen it yet I highly recommend it as it gives a very interesting insight to how the primary emotions function. The writers consulted with several psychologists who determined that the main emotions that a person has are Joy, Anger, Disgust, Sadness, and Fear. Of course this isn't all the feelings that someone can have. The more I thought about it the more I realized that the many different feelings that we can have branch off from the emotions depicted in the movie. To make my thought process more visual I have included a tree diagram.
                                  
So the primary emotion would be the colored word and the feeling would be the words underneath. Its not to say that you wouldn't be able to feel a colored emotion because you certainly could. This is just how I chose to categorize it based on the images I used for the visuals and the emotions I thought kids would be able to understand and verbalize easily.

I printed out visuals of the characters from the films from these websites and colored them in (yay for therapeutic adult coloring time!).
Joy: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/fb/88/c7/fb88c7ad5b4d91b244b440e7fd63db0a.jpg
Sadness: http://www.colouring-page.org/sites/default/files/inside-out-coloring-pages-11.jpg
Anger: http://www.disneyclips.com/funstuff/imagestsgab8/insideout_anger_coloring.gif
Disgust: http://www.colouring-page.org/sites/default/files/inside-out-coloring-pages-03.jpg
Fear: http://mommyscene.com/images/blog/coloring-pages/disney-inside-out-fear-coloring-page.jpg

After I had colored them in I came up with the song and chord accompaniment and created my file folder.
                                      
                                      
Depending on what you're working on with the child you can adapt for many different uses and scaffold it until you are able to use the intervention for the original purpose.

The first tier of this intervention is to work on the ability to recognize the emotions. You can start with just having the client verbalize how each character is feeling in the picture.

Once the child has mastered the first tier of this intervention you can begin having them describe what that feeling means to them and what are some things that make them feel the same way as the character.

After this, you would have the child pick a character that they are identifying with that day and place it above the "I feel" part of the file folder. You can also show them visuals of the spelled out emotion if they are able to read to reinforce by matching the linguistic visual to the picture visual.
                                            
                                                                           
                                               
                                               
                                                
Once the client/child is able to accurately identify how they are feeling with he written linguistic aid combined with the picture visual, you can fade out the picture visual and just have them verbalize the linguistic visual. The way I created my written words was scaffolded as well, I had words that were in the colors that matched the characters so it would be easy to identify and match the word to the pictures and I also created written visuals of the word in black that could be used as the child became more successful at identifying and verbalizing the correct emotion.

When the child can successfully tell you how they are feeling you can move to asking them why they are feeling that way and what happened to make them feel that way. Using the opposite side of the folder.

If they are able to do so, ask them to identify what they can do next time if something happens that makes them feel mad or upset. Obviously if the child says that they feel happy or another "yellow" emotion you don't want to ask them what they can do differently but you can ask them to verbalize why they are feeling happy and what they can do to show others that they feel happy and share the happy feeling. You can even have the child choose instruments and play how they are feeling. If you are working with a group you can have the others try to guess what feeling the child was playing.

I think there are a lot of possibilities you have available to you with this intervention to help a child practice recognizing and validating their own emotions as well as others. Please feel free to use this in your own sessions/interactions with children and let me know if you are successful or if you have any thoughts on how to expand upon it!

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

The Sensory Brain and Music

In my last post, I talked about how emotional processing can be experienced differently by those on the spectrum especially in times of intense emotional happenings. I compared the fluctuation of emotions to sliders on a  soundboard. The same could be held true for other sensory input.

At any given moment in time there is sensory stimuli going into our brains. When a dog goes by us as we walk down the side walk we get visual, auditory, olfactory, and possibly vestibular stimuli as we orient where we are compared to the dog and if we need to stay calm or prepare for a battle. This is also known as the flight or fight response.

A neurotypical individual will quickly process and filter out unimportant information (e.g. a cat walking by, the hum of the air conditioner or computer, etc.) and won't pay attention to it. An individual on the spectrum however may be overwhelmed by something a neurotypical would simply brush off and be unable to function because of it, especially if it is a new situation or input to process.

Each individual takes in information differently both NTs and those with ASD. This is sometimes referred to as your learning style ("I'm a visual learner"etc). I have noticed both in myself and in my work with those on the spectrum that if we are overstimulated by anything in our environment and our system is on a heightened state there is a response or feedback. This brings me back to my soundboard analogy. When a microphone level (sensory intake) is too high (overstimulation) there is feedback (responses) and the speakers (persons body) react (behaviors) accordingly, i.e. squeal.

The more that I've learned, read, and interacted with others on the spectrum the more I have learned about myself and what I need to do to adapt to my environment and function successfully. For example my sensory soundboard would look something like this.

                                                
I put the stimuli that I find myself reacting more frequently as the higher levels because I'm more sensitive to them and notice changes about them first. The stimuli I pay less attention to I put at the lower levels because I am more likely to ignore those when taking in my environment. When I was younger I was more sensitive to specific sounds and would have outbursts when those sounds were present. I would be getting ready for school with my sister and she would be chewing too loudly so I would scream at her "STOP CHEWING." I've developed more ways to deal with hearing adverse sounds however if there is an unpleasant sound in my environment and I have the opportunity to escape I do so promptly. I also have noticed that I have a very keen sense of smell and have some negative reactions to smells that I do not like. I ABSOLUTELY HATE BANANAS, everything about them but especially the smell. I can not be in the same room as someone who is eating a banana, or has put a banana peel in the trash can. I get very overloaded by the smell and have not been able to find a way to adapt to this, I'm not sure if I ever would because I've been that way for as long as I can remember.

It is important for individuals, both NT and ASD, to become less reactive to certain stimuli and develop ways to cope when they are over stimulated. Music therapy can be used to introduce an individual to new sensory stimuli in a non-threatening environment. Exposure and practice with various sorts of sensory stimuli can help organize the brain and prepare it for higher level learning and let information get past the brainstem into higher cortices to develop language, cognitive, motor, and emotional processing skills. While I never had formal music therapy services growing up I know that being involved with music helped me overcome several sensory deficits that I had growing up. I am very excited to be able to use the musical skills that helped me improve so much to help others who are still struggling in their daily lives.

Death, Grief, and the Spectrum

The stereotype of those on the Autism spectrum is that there is an emotional disconnect from others around them. This could make it especially difficult for those individuals to develop friendships, romantic relationships, understand grief after death. The second of those generalizations is true to me, resulting in many unsuccessful attempts at online dating (I do not recommend it at all).

Recently I was talking with a guy from a site who was demonstrating behaviors that looked as if he would be emotionally abusive if I were to begin a relationship with him, this was only after 3 days of talking to this guy. As I was telling him that I no longer wished to speak with him, my father called but I was in the middle of a text message so I ignored it. When I was finished I called him back to see what he needed (most of the time my dad pocket dials a lot...not entirely sure how he does it on an iPhone but thats besides the point). 

He asked me how my day went and then began to say "I have some bad news to tell you." Of course I immediately thought one of my dogs had gotten out and was dead. This was almost as, if not more worse. 

The first experience with death of a close loved one was when I was in the 5th grade and my grandfather lost his battle with cancer. This was before my diagnosis of Asperger's so I didn't cry as much hearing the news as my younger siblings did. I did cry at the funeral, but not very long. When I was younger, our dog Murphy had gotten out and was killed by the neighbor kid speeding down the street to get to school, I cried for days after that and got over it relatively quick when we fostered liters of puppies that summer. 

What my dad said stunned me beyond belief, having taken psychology courses I of course recognized the shock and felt the sympathetic nervous system kick in with pins and needles. My uncle had suddenly lost his battle to cancer. I kept saying "You're kidding me right" and he went on to explain to me that he had heard from my other uncle (I have a large Catholic family) had called him earlier. 

One of my biggest struggles is trying to figure out how I truly feel. There is such a broad range of ways to feel and most of the time I'm pretty neutral, I might say I feel happy, but in reality I'm not really feeling anything but just neutral. Shortly after my father told me my uncle had passed so many neurons were firing that I could not figure out what I was feeling, if what I was feeling was a valid emotion (as it had been so long since I had experienced a close death), and what to do about it. I cried briefly and hung up the phone to resume cooking my dinner. I went to my room and the reality sunk in further, my uncle, the one who would enter the room and say "Who's ready to let me love on them" was no longer alive. 

Earlier that day I had finished making a visual aid for clients using the characters from Pixar's film Inside Out and had several different emotions that could be related to each face. I tried to sort out how I was feeling but was unsuccessful. I went for a jog, called my sister and my best friend to try and talk through these feelings. I still couldn't label what I was feeling or why I was feeling that way. 

I suppose a lucky thing about having therapists as friends is that they will help you process as best they can but still be your friend in the end of things. In my emotional overload I said several things to my friend that I immediately regretted after hanging up knowing that because of the state I was in I had no filter. This increased the activity in my amygdala, I could feel the neurons in my limbic system firing and I wanted it to stop. I started crying uncontrollably until I fell asleep. 

If you've ever cried yourself to sleep, you know that it is not a pleasant sleep cycle because you are mostly in a-wave sleep having dreams about the things you're upset about and waking up from it is never pleasant. This held true for me. When I woke up I realized again, my loving, sweet, caring uncle was gone and started crying again. I went back to my visual board to pick out emotions that I was feeling in that moment. 

Sad: Obviously I was sad because I was crying, but besides the fact that I had lost my uncle I felt sad for my aunt, my three young cousins who would now grow up without their father, my dad, my other uncles and aunts, my other cousins, and my grandparents. No parent should ever have to bury their child. 

Upset: I was upset at the situation and myself. I know that I normally do not feel many emotions at all and for me to be feeling so many at one time made me feel very uncomfortable because I couldn't process anything. 

Afraid: I was surprised when I had picked this one but looking back I can see why. While every family has different viewpoints they are still family. I felt afraid because I was concerned that I would not be able to see my young cousins again at family vacations. I hope that even though their dad is gone, their mother will not exclude them from being part of family gatherings. They bring me such joy and inspiration. I swear they have more musical talent than I did at that age, the oldest has and can play every recorder made and has such an incredible ear for music it enlightens me. 

Confused: I was confused by all the emotions going on and not being able to process them at the same time. I felt overstimulated and out of control because I did not know what was going on and what I could do about it (when in reality there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it). I was also confused that my dad (who is also on the spectrum) wasn't feeling as many emotions as I was. 

Frustrated: In times of crisis I want to do things to help. I am more productive and focused on what is happening so obviously I felt frustrated that there was nothing I could do for my uncles family. I was frustrated that people kept telling me "Theres nothing you can do but give them space and pray." I was reading an article in Psychology Today  and a quote resounded with me rather strongly "It was logical to me to be as armed as possible with information so I could help." However in this situation not even my tools as a music therapist would be able to help because I knew that no one would want it. 

Angry: I also felt angry at the situation and the fact that I didn't reach out to my uncle more often, obviously he and his family know that I love them and care about them but I didn't make the effort to tell him that more frequently. It makes me realize that you need to tell the people that you love that you love them every day because the next day they may not be here.  I felt angry that God would give  a man so spiritual and loving such a terrible disease and then take him away from a family who loves him. I felt angry that there is not more research going on about cancer, then I felt angry about the lack of funding for music therapy services which, can be so beneficial to those going through emotional pain. 

Sick: Because I was crying so much and so upset I was feeling sick to my stomach and hardly ate anything. 

For me emotions are like a light switch on a switchboard they are either on or off. When they are turned on it is very obvious. This is both advantageous and detrimental at times. For example, one time I had to perform CPR on a man and I was able to remain calm and keep the mans heart beating through chest compressions and he came to. There was a task to be done and I had the skills to complete it. When I am overcome by emotion I turn in to Captain Kirk and have explosions of that emotion in spurts, sort of like a child playing with the light dimmer. Yet at other times my calmness can be deceptive because I am really experiencing an emotional overload and like a pot of water on the stove its bound to overflow and come out all at once. 

To make things more complicated I not only have to try and figure out what I'm feeling but also try and respect the space of others in my family. Even though I've gotten better at empathy, it is still a major area of struggle for me. For example, I want to make a slide show of pictures of my uncle and put it to a cover of a hymn or original melody (a technique sometimes used in hospice music therapy). However I was told to not email my family members requesting for picture for at least another week. I don't understand why it would be inappropriate to request pictures so that I can move forward in my bereavement process, but apparently it would be. 

This is event is still very fresh and it will undoubtedly take sometime before I accept the fact my uncle is gone. However I don't think there is any "to do list" on how to grieve or process the death of a loved one for neurotypical or those on the spectrum because each person goes through it differently and finds what works to help them cope. I do think though that it is more challenging for those on the spectrum to be able to tag and process the emotions they are feeling because there are so many. This could make it much harder for someone with ASD to go through the "stages of grief" thus increasing the amount of time it takes to get over the death of a loved one. 

John 14:1-4 

Welcome!

Congratulations! You have stumbled across this blog-Achievement Unlocked, KNOWLEDGE!

I suppose that I should describe why I think I am credible to provide information to you the reader of this blog. I am currently a music therapy intern having recently finished my coursework in music therapy at the University of Kansas (ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!). I am doing my internship with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Additionally, I was formally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome/PDD-NOS when I was in the 8th grade. My whole childhood I grew up knowing that I was different and I never fully understood why and what I did to make people not want to be my friend. Through years of being in band, therapy sessions, and retraining myself I have come closer to being "neurotypical," however I Autism will always be a part of who I am.

The "purpose" of this blog is to give my personal insight about what it was like growing up for so long without a diagnosis, living with Asperger's as an adult, and to provide some ideas I've come up with for music therapy interventions.

Thanks for stopping by and if you have any suggestions or specific things you want to hear about let me know!